0031_log_entryset_28

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1448 hours, Saturday, February 17, 1973.

Life is going back to normal for the mercenaries. We are at the next base, Gray has not attempted another siege, and Herr Medic has made plans to restore Herr Engineer later this week with my help. I am happy for them.

And yet I cannot say that I am happy for myself. It is quite silly I am certain, given how the new circumstances have worked in my favor. I am alive, and no one thinks that I will betray them as far as I know. Everyone has been most kind. Granted I have been restricted to Herr Engineer's workshop for the time being, and the Administrator has requested that I wear a 'parking brake' clamped onto my wheel at night, but really I do not mind that so much. The Administrator has let me live; I will not begrudge her these safeguards. No, that is not what is disheartening me at present.

When we came out of the cell three days ago, everyone was celebrating. Soldier was practically hanging off of Demoman, sobbing and cursing in equal measure. Herr Medic and Heavy were talking earnestly to one side. Even the Spy was laughing, though I think this was at the Scout's attempts to converse with Miss Pauling. And the Sniper and the Pyro almost ran into Herr Engineer in their haste to congratulate him upon not being killed.

In that moment I felt just as alone as I had ever felt at Gray's headquarters.

I am the only robot at the base, really. I can pretend that Herr Engineer is the same as me if I wish, but that does not make it true. He would never have met me and come to know me as a friend if it were not for what Gray and I put him through. And soon that will be undone. He stood up to the Administrator for me, but we are not equals. I have no equals in this place.

But as I said, dwelling on these thoughts is silly and selfish. Of course they were quick to celebrate with their old friends. They like me well enough, even if some of the novelty has worn off, and I am sure I can lead a useful, satisfactory existence here. It should at the very least be better than my old one. 

I think there is someone coming into the workshop. I will finish this entry after they have gone.

THIS SESSION HAS BEEN PAUSED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RESUME? Y/N

1502 hours.

I just had an interesting conversation with Herr Engineer. He came in alone, drumming his leg with his remaining hand in a most preoccupied fashion. When he got to the middle of the room, he stood there as though unsure of what he should do next. I watched him quietly for a moment.

0031: Are you looking for something?
E-001: Huh? Nah, I just figured I'd come and... you know, see about getting ready for the transplant.
0031: Oh, yes of course. When are we supposed to proceed, bitte?
E-001: Day after tomorrow from what Medic's saying.
0031: Ah.

It was quiet for a moment. Herr Engineer did not make any attempts to gather supplies or whatever else he might need for surgery preparations. I made a throat-clearing noise.

0031: You must be quite pleased, going back to your original body. I mean... well your original form. It is not exactly, ah. Yes. But you must be pleased.
E-001: Yeah, sure.

I tilted my head because the way he said that confused me.

0031: Was ist los? You do not sound happy.

Herr Engineer made one of this habitual sighs and took a seat on the bench across from where I stood.

E-001: I don't know. I just keep thinking about what happened on the tank.
0031: Which thing that happened?

He looked up at me.

E-001: The thing where I couldn't kill Gray.

I hesitated, unsure of what to say exactly. From my experience it is only when Herr Engineer is quite stressed that he tries to talk about personal matters, and I was sure this was no exception.

0031: Well. I fail to see the problem at the moment. He did not kill any of us permanently.
E-001: You fail to see the problem.

I rocked on my wheel slightly.

0031: I-I do, Herr Engineer, I am sorry. I want to understand though.

He leaned back against the wall so that he was looking at the ceiling.

E-001: Steve, I don't think you understand exactly how much I can hate someone, or exactly how good I am at taking care of those kinds of problems.
0031: Hate?
E-001: Yeah. I hate Gray. And when I had my hands on him in the tank... it was like I was drunk on it Steve. Nothing was going to make me happy until he was lying at my feet in pieces.

His fists clenched.

E-001: I wanted him dead real bad. And one little word from him... I just couldn't do it.

I rolled toward him slightly, with an inkling of what he was getting at forming in my head.

0031: You do not need to worry about that though Herr Engineer. You are going back to yourself. It won't be the same anymore.
E-001: Won't it?
0031: No, of course not. You will be human again.

He shook his head.

E-001: You remember back before we escaped together the first time Steve? We were talking about 0218's memory wipe, and you said something about bodies and minds affecting each other.
0031: Er... well yes.
E-001: You thought 0218 was developing into a person, and that it might have affected... I don't know, something beyond just memory. His hardware or something. But what if that can happen backwards too?
0031: Herr Engineer--
E-001: No, listen. It's my brain in this metal case, same as it's always been, but it's malfunctioned on me twice now. I've attacked my teammates before, and now it's like... like I'm hardwired to do what Gray says. What if that don't change when I'm me again?
0031: Now Herr Engineer, really. You are you now, even if you don't look like a human. Und if you are concerned about the Administrator, I am sure that the others--
E-001: This ain't about self-preservation, not in that way. I just...

He looked down at his hand in his lap.

E-001: I don't think I'm ever going to be the same again. I've known that for a while now, but I kept myself busy so I wouldn't have to think about it. And now...

He shrugged and fell silent. I did not answer immediately. I was trying to figure out how to be honest but encouraging at the same time.

0031: Herr, I do not think... things never really stay the same for long, do they? I mean... well.

He looked up at me but didn't interrupt as I fought myself for the right words to say.

0031: It is normal for situations to change, ja? Otherwise there could be no progression in life. Und what is more important, we change und develop as well.
E-001: I wouldn't exactly classify losing control of myself as developing.
0031: Well no, that is an unfortunate thing. But... but there is always something gut to be taken out of any circumstance, don't you think? I mean, I have faced perils und choices since I met you. Things have happened to me that I never thought I would be able to withstand. But in the end, I did what I could with the situations given to me. Some of the choices may not have been wise, but I learned from them anyways. They have made me into the person I am now. Und I am only a robot.
E-001: What's your point?
0031: Well. If there was hope for me, when I started out as nothing more than a war machine, then isn't there hope for you?

He didn't answer immediately. We just watched each other quietly, the shouts and laughter of the humans sounding faintly in the distance.

E-001: I think I needed to hear that.
0031: Then I am glad I said it.

Herr Engineer made a funny little noise that sounded like "huh" to himself before getting to his feet and going back to the door. I swiveled to follow his progress.

E-001: Thanks Steve, I owe you one.
0031: Owe me one what?

He laughed. Without the feedback from his speakers, it almost sounded like a real laugh.

E-001: I dunno, a good turn. Maybe Doc and I will figure out how to get you drunk sometime.
0031: Drunk? Why would I want that?
E-001: Because you've got to ask, that's why. You gonna be all right in here by yourself?
0031: I... yes. Yes. Drei is here too, so I am not alone.
E-001: Good. Hopefully we'll get things worked out so you can hang out with us before too long. See you.

And he left.

I think things are going to be okay.

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